Owen Wilson Bummed Out

Actor Owen Wilson's escape from death was hastened by "Death" having left his scythe at home after having gone out for a pack of cigarettes.

Death was quoted as saying that he had left every opportunity for the actor to "do himself in" by leaving quantities of heroin, cocaine, and other substances for the actor to utilize. "Hell, I even made it possible for him to hose up relationships with well known actresses for extra effect. I long ago abandoned Media hounding because they don't care anymore," Death continued.

"Frankly, I have no sympathy for people who try to commit suicide and wind up screwing that up as well. He can wait like the others and croak from one of several illnesses I have in the works," offered Death.

Death has been in a funk since the passing of his dear friend Ingmar Bergman, who first placed Death on the public consciousness with "The Seventh Seal".

"Between Wilson, Lohan, Ricci, and the other goofballs, I'm frankly overworked at present. These people are going to have to try and get it done on their own. But you see what happens. Owens is a classic example of another one of these "crying out for help" slobs . I just need a break. I want to be left alone by the Media and spend a few weeks sharpening the blade so to speak. Then , if these idiots want to do themselves in, I can give them a hand."