The Mouse That Roars No More

Al Aqsa's TV, the Hamas sponsored television station, saw its Nielsen ratings drop sharply after "Farfour", the Mickey Mouse look-alike, was allegedly beaten to death in the show's final skit.

The show created a worldwide stir when it first aired. The program's message of hate against Israel appeared aimed at Palestinian children, who eventually saw their beloved rodent martyred. In the last episode, the rat-like creature is beaten to death by and Israeli posing as a Real Estate agent interested in acquiring some Palestinian land. Unable to reach an agreement on deed restrictions, the Israeli businessman becomes "enraged" and allegedly pummels Farfour until the mouse becomes still and peaceful.

The show's ratings plummeted afterwards. A spokesperson for the TV station stated in a makeshift news conference that Al Aqsa will feature reruns of Baywatch and Charlie's Angel's until a suitable children's show could be devised to replace Farfour.

"We have currently on the table a show we tentatively call "NoHands" in which a Pluto-like character will be seen making pipe bombs", according to Abdullah Jones, Al Aqsa head of children's programing.

"He will eventually be martyred as well. In the final episode, an Israeli businessman will get him to fetch a stick, which of course, will not be a stick," offered Jones, under conditions of anonymity.

As of this writing, no one has taken responsibility for the creation of the new show.

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Valerie Schoenmeister contributed to this report.

"Tank Johnson tanks his johnson."

Gone will be the expensive suit and the nifty glasses. You'll see him on the lower East Side of Chicago soon, underwear showing out of the pants, comb tied to a chain.

Someone will say " Hey man, didn't you used to be Tank Johnson, that dude from the Bears? What happened to all your money man? You don't smell right."

Malt liquor and cough syrup do not make an inviting smell when combined.

In a famous line taken from "Swimming With Sharks" Kevin Spacey's character remarks to someone who has failed to perform to expectations
"Can you say "Would you like that in a pump or a loafer. Just repeat it for me. Good. Now memorize it, because after today the only thing you will be selling is shoes."

At least for now the brother will not be doing time. Don't give Pacman a call.

Deutschland Uber Alles

So, it appears the German Government has a clue. It has rejected the presence of Scientologist Tom Cruise in its country for the purpose of making a film about the Nazi attempt to kill Hitler in the late stages of WWII.

The Germans, who are fairly good at spotting a scam (they stayed out of the Iraq Fiasco), do not recognize Scientology as a church, claiming the term "church" is only used for tax purposes and monetary gain. The Church of Scientology vigorously denies such claims, and apparently, they have the money to prove it.

The Germans, also known as meticulous record keepers, will obviously keep John Travolta out as well as anyone they perceive as connected with the money mill. Cruise did not seem overly bothered by the turn of events, stating that whenever he feels upset, he simply takes the non-medications prescribed by his non-church.

My Country, Tis Of You

Mr. Vaughn will be extradited and charged with the murder of his wife and three children. A new catch phrase for such killings has been coined. They call it familicide. This country faces some difficult challenges if we are now coining phrases to cover for the behavior of individuals who kill wives, children, aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers. I wonder if the Vaughn killings could have been lessened if one of the children knew how to use a gun and, for the sake of the others, blew the father away. Nice work kid. You saved a sister and possibly your mother by shooting your father in the head.

My country, tis of you

It's got some problems, this is true

And if you ever find yourself in question

Do unto others, before they do it to you.

Note to Publishing Agencies and Papparazzi

Kiss my ass. The photos on my site have been artistically rendered and as such, are artful representations of the dreadful shots that were the originals. You want to come after me? YOU don't own the copyright on my artistic work. We'll go to court. I'll bring my turnip.

And as for the "stars " of my little rag. If you don't want to appear here, stop saying and doing idiotic things. That would be a start.

"Pacman" Jones to Be Oldest Cornerback in History of NFL

NFL player Adam"Pacman" Jones is on course to become the oldest cornerback in the history of the league.

Born September 30, 1983, Jones would be returning as a defenseman in the year 2015 if convicted of charges of "Coercion" and another charge of "Tysoning" a bouncer by biting the individual in an undisclosed location.

Since joining the league, Jones has been arrested six times , has been under police investigation 11 times, and is currently being sought for a shooting incident at an Atlanta strip club.

The NFL has stated that it plans to allow Jones to play if he is on "good behavior" within 10 weeks of the upcoming season. Thus far, Jones has a better option to receive the Nobel Peace Prize..

Jones still faces charges for crimes not yet invented, thus creating even more of a challenge for the crazed athlete.

Head coach Jeff Fisher of the Titans had stated that he had Jones "under control" when others considered the drafting of the troubled miscreant "an idiotic move." So far, the naysayers have the upper hand. This could change, if Jones manages to get a grip on his faltering career, whose options are falling faster than appendages at a leper disco.

Travolta and Cruise: Neo-Psychiatry

John Travolta and Tom Cruise are now the ad hoc spokespersons for Neo-psychiatry, the branch of medicine dealing with the results of brain-bathing (formerly brainwashing) in which persons from the Entertainment industry offer medical advice based on little more than here say and conjecture.


Baseless recommendations for psychiatrically ill persons to disregard their medications are standard assertions by such individuals, who, for one reason or another, find themselves curiously bound to Scientology, the religion (for tax purposes) which is a cross between enlightenment and complete darkness, depending on which switch has been thrown in a "church" member's cerebral cortex.

Members of the Film Industry are frequently used as spokespersons for all manner of ridiculous causes, with the public by and large, ill equipped to deal with idiocy on so grand a scale.

No photos were available for either actor (except in a group setting for the safety of crew,) out of respect to their families and the ready knowledge that one of the now brilliant pseudo-intellectuals was once a cast member on "Welcome Back, Kotter" and the other having participated in the now forgettable "Eyes Wide Shut", a title which seems hauntingly appropriate at this time, for both actors.

Rag Box Denied Jolie Interview

The Rag Box was denied an interview with actress Angelina Jolie, according to an agreement devised by her attorneys in which the motion picture star could not be asked any questions regarding her personal life.

As a result, our news department was unable to substantiate her alleged ongoing relationship with Kyra Sedwick, star of TV's "The Closer" nor her supposed penchant for bitch-slapping Brad Pitt when, according to Carl Bismoth, head of a funeral home near our offices, he "steps out of line". Although The Rag Box feels these remarks are simply Tabloid nonsense, without Jolie's ability to deny the rumors, they will undoubtedly persist unless she, or her publicist, are able to reply to the allegations.

Photographers for The Rag Box were only able to obtain a dated photograph of Jolie's lips which are rumored to have formerly belonged to actress Goldie Hawn, who had them removed after the collagen injected into them began to seep into her cranial cavities.

Jolie's attorneys apologized for inconveniencing other news agencies but insist that the media often portrays Jolie as uncooperative with the press and unwilling to reveal details of her personal life, which is widely regarded as a substantiated rumor.

Roddick Rejects Photo Re-Touching

More and more celebrities are becoming disenchanted with having their photos re-touched, and a recent image of tennis star Andy Roddick appearing on the cover of Men's Fitness appears to be the last straw for the struggling athlete who dreams of winning another major some day before he dies or Roger Federer retires.

The photo above is actually the one the magazine intended to use but editors decided that the image had undergone a "bit more" of a change than had been anticipated. Roddick is shown in what appear to be excessively developed biceps. Worse yet, the body on which Roddick's head was placed was taken from a photo from the early 1940's with a WWII recruitment poster clearly visible in the background.

"It places into question truth in journalism and suggests that what the media represents may not be, fair and balanced" according to a Fox News representative, who, in an unusual twist, acted as a consultant to the photo editing process for the image which eventually made its way on the cover of Men's Fitness.

The magazine, renowned for creating male stereotypes who are impossible to duplicate, thus adding to the anxiety facing males in an increasingly competitive "meat market" type world, denies altering any of its photos and asserts that what people are seeing in its pages are simply what readers want to see. "All men want to appear fit, regardless of their emotional and mental well being. It doesn't matter if the guy on our cover is a gutless homophobe living in a perpetual state of angst as long as he has a set of six packs to die for," stated Karl Tensile, who is unconnected to the magazine.

Endeavor Talent Agency Creates Marketing OP

The Endeavor Talent Agency is a Beverly Hills, California agency, representing actors, writers, and a host of semi-talent related individuals. The company, which employs approximately 190 people, has created a marketing coup by dropping the most famous of its semi-talented clients, Paris Hilton.

The agency, which had been unknown to the average person on the street, manged to garner some attention for itself by dropping Hilton in what Rag Box insiders refer to as ROFB (Reversal Of Fortune Bonus). Essentially, a ROFB occurs when a well-known client or employee "screws up" and is then sacked by the company The resulting media attention creates a wave of attention for the company which is seen as responsible and acting in the public interest. The results can be quite impressive, as any recent search on the Internet for the company will reveal. For example, a combined search for "Endeavor and Hilton" virtually rules page one of Google. Mission Accomplished.

Endeavor is said to be creating a list of other well known clients it intends to sack until the agency becomes a household name. Hilton has allegedly received a letter of thanks from the agency indicating their continuing support for the socialite should she return to the upper tier in Hollywood, at which point they intend to grovel their way back into the Hilton "fold".

Bush Politics: Libby To Briefly See Jail Time

Scooter Libby will not be allowed to remain free while his lawyers appeal the 2.5 year sentence he received after being convicted of being less than truthful to investigators during a probe involving a former CIA operative, Valerie Plame.

Libby, according to sources for The Rag Box, became the "Fall Guy" for Karl Rove, who is implicated in virtually every disaster staged at the White House over the course of President Bush's "career". Rove has diplomatic immunity within his own country and enjoys the protection of the media, who for years have been unable to sort out Rove's involvement in anything beyond his being an adviser to the president.

Bush has been quoted as saying that he "feels terribly for Libby, his wife, and their children", but insists the judicial process must proceed while he and Rove figure out a way to pardon Libby. Libby's wife and children have been penciled in by Rove as possible targets of investigation . Rove has hinted in the past that Libby's wife "talks a lot, and the kids are constantly on their cell phones, pretty much repeating everything she says."

Libby is expected to be released from prison within days of his appearance under what will be an undisclosed medical condition.

Cautioned Rove, "It's too early to tell, but we have several maladies on the table and we cannot rule out Libby's disappearance in a makeshift wheelchair and a bad wig should it become necessary. It's real "spy" stuff. You people in the media wouldn't understand."
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The Rag box wishes to point out that it understands fully why and how Scooter Libby wound up in prison and why Karl Rove is free to move about. It's just that the editors of this E-Zine don't care one way or another, except to note that once again, the wrong person is being put away.

Politics: Randall Tobias Massaged Out of Political Arena

One-time Bush administration AIDS czar and chief of the U.S. Agency for International Development, Randall Tobias is slated to be honored as a "Living Legend" by the Indiana Historical Society at a special awards dinner next month, according to the Indianapolis Star newspaper.

The fact that Tobias was once CEO of Eli Lilly, Inc. and the fact that the Indiana Historical Society received a substantial endowment from that company apparently played no role in the decision to have Tobias included in the ceremonies.

Tobias recently resigned from his post with the Bush Administration, citing personal reasons and an on-going back issue which is currently being treated by individuals from a Central American massage agency. Tobias decided to distance himself from the "Pamela Martin Escort Service" who previously attended to his "needs." That organization's founder, Jeane Palfrey, is under investigation in the D.C. Madam scandal in which several members of government have allegedly, and unbelievably, participated in her company's beneficial therapies.

Tobias has repeatedly rejected accusations that he used the escort service for anything other than therapeutic back rubs even though The Rag Box has been unable to substantiate where, in the course of such treatment, the term "escort" would be of use.

The former AIDS Czar claims that the company he is now using employs individuals who are in this country legally and, when not tending to Tobias, are "servicing" his lawn.

Government: $63 Million Dollar Fiasco

The Navy plans to stop pursuing its goal of creating a plane that takes off like a helicopter and then flies at supersonic speeds. The $63 million dollar project has not produced a single successful flight. Even so, Congress has appropriated another $6 million dollars just in case it should leave the ground for more than a moment.

Congressman Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., has repeatedly supported the project, based in his hometown, even though the "device" has failed all 49 attempts at controlled flight.

Hunter has said he considered the investment "prudent from a financial and risk perspective." Presumably, he was not referring to the $36,000 in campaign contributions he has received from Anthony Dupont, owner of the Dupont Aerospace firm that has built and fatally tested the non-flying artifact for years.

"One would be hard pressed to argue that a technology that could deliver greater speed and greater stealth capabilities has no military utility and is not worth some investment," Hunter said.

Hunter, who is quite possibly insane, has failed to appreciate what $63 million can buy. However, the concept of a plane whose stealth is dependent on reaching an altitude of no more than 3 feet is intriguing, if only because of the obvious confusion in the minds of would be assailants such as terrorists who would struggle over whether it would be worth the trouble and expense of waisting a rocket to blow up something that would destroy itself moments after lift off.

"That's just what they want," argued Hunter. "We've taken their toys right out of their hands. The concept, while admittedly flawed, is nonetheless brilliant and should be funded in perpetuity, or at least until we get it right," offered Hunter.

ABC News has provided a video clip of the aerodynamic disaster at the following link.

Piece of Crap Plane

Government: Latino Dies at King-Harbor Hospital

Federal health officials concluded late Thursday that Martin Luther King Jr.-Harbor Hospital had put emergency room patients in "immediate jeopardy" of harm or death and gave it an additional 23 days of placing patients in harms way or lose federal funding once and for all.

The warning stemmed from an incident involving a woman writhing in pain for 45 minutes on the floor of the emergency room lobby without receiving medical attention; she later died. In a kind of irony worthy of a Weapons of Mass Destruction Speech to the UN, a member of the family was known to have called 911 from the hospital seeking assistance for a dying woman (a Ms. Rodriguez), who, instead of being treated, was arrested for a parole violation instead.

County Health Services Director Dr. Bruce Chernof reluctantly acknowledged in a written statement, scribbled on a napkin, that the findings delivered Thursday were "serious and potentially troubling."

"We are disappointed with these findings given the extensive efforts to reform the hospital," Chernof said in the statement, "but the issues identified are more or less correctable" by the Medicare agency's deadline, given we have have a good 22 days to deal with this oversight. How many people can possibly die in 22 days? The numbers are minuscule at best," continued Chernof.

Plans are to have security cameras terminated at the emergency room so as to eliminate the possibility of viewing a mistake between those actually dying and those simply in need of immediate emergency care.

"Video can be deceiving," stated Chernof. "They can do things in post-production that would blow your mind," referring to Rodriguez vomiting blood on the floor while she was simply forgotten to death.

Former actor, strong man, and famous for being married to Maria Shriver, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California, has repeatedly defended the hospital's policy of a triage style care system based on the ability of patients to pay for services.

"We do not offer free services to people of other national origins. It isn't the melting pot people think it is (referring presumably to the United States.) If you have a problem, let's see some I.D. or at least, a green card.

Government: Shuttle Heat Shield Poses Problem

NASA has decided to extend the mission of STS 117 an additional two days while the crew inspects the slight tear under the shuttle's protective heat shield. Mission Commander Rick Sturckow has been quoted as saying that the hole under the right wing of the craft is large enough to allow the passage of a moderately sized refrigerator.

Initially, the gouged out area was much smaller, but it became apparent that the hole could accommodate a larger object once an on-board cooler had been forced through what was at one point a pin-hole sized opening.

A plan to have the shuttle land upside down and then flipping it over just before landing was scrubbed as being "overly-innovative" and dangerously cost effective.

An alternate plan to use former astronaut Lisa Nowak's urine soaked diaper as a sealant has met with the approval of NASA managers at Mission Control in Houston. Failing that, Commander Sturckow has been advised that he may have to re-enter the earths atmosphere on a prayer. The "wing" portion of the famous quotation would not be available for obvious reasons. Astronauts aboard Atlantis have not warmed up to any of the proposals on the table thus far.

International; Prince Harry Deployment Nears

Citing the dangers of wartime conditions in Iraq, British Army Chief of Staff Sir Richard Dannatt stated that Prince Harry would be deployed in Afghanistan instead. The Defense Ministry has refused to declare the exact place of his service in the country but sources close to The Rag Box indicate that he will be serving near or in the Mustafa Hotel (200 rooms, standard, executive and suites on the outskirts of the city heading into West Kabul; sat phone: +873 761 469690 or local tel: 020 2201320.) His exact room number has been withheld for security reasons, but the third floor has not been ruled out.

Photo ops with the Prince will also be held to a minimum during his 1 week stay, which includes travel time to and from Kabul.

"We also feel that the Prince should be dressed in regular street clothes (Oxford sweater and designer slacks) so as to fit in with the population," offered Dannatt. "In addition, he should be alone so as not to attract additional undue attention that may create suspicion amongst Taliban leaders in the area."

"We hope to have Prince Harry (or someone who looks a good deal like him) in the hotel no later than Wednesday of next week," stated Private Neil Graham, who is already at the civilian installation, staking out several possible suite locations.

In keeping with the special training Harry has received, a decision has been made that the Prince will not participate in the daily buffet served in the newly refurbished Bamyian Room on Fridays, 11.30-15.00 at US$10. Telephone 020 2201321 for reservations. Additionally, the Defense Ministry has denied Harry access to the hotel's fitness center because of the requirement for some form of I.D.


Mustafa Hotel at right, newly renovated from 12 floors to 5, in keeping with general plans to have the city leveled by 2012, in time for a complete Taliban takeover.



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Update: The Rag Box has learned that Prince Harry has been deployed to Canada, long known to be a terrorist hot bead of activity. The Prince will guard the wheat fields in lower Saskatchewan for 30 days until harvest time, at which time Harry hopes to "get laid" in Regina as soon as possible.

Law: Baca Releases Charles Manson

Shortly after releasing famous for being famous Paris Hilton, L.A. County Sherriff Lee Baca sent notice to California State Prison, Corcoran, to have Charles Manson released under the latter's personal recognizance and have him placed under house arrest at a local ranch.

The release was staved off by local authorites when it was learned that Baca had no jurisdiction to carry out such an order. Baca cited the extreme medical condition Manson was suffering from (paranoid schizophrenia) as reason for the release.

According to Baca's brother Chew, the Sherriff has been known to "play the system", receiving gifts and other charitable contributions for his generous acts on behalf of the wealthy and criminally insane.

Baca was visibly shaken when informed that he would not be able to release convicted serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, due to the fact Dahmer was dead, the victim of a prison killing some years ago.

"What about that clown guy? (presumably John Wayne Gacy) Isn't he up for parole? And what kind of health issues has he got, dressing up in a Bozo outfit?"

Baca was reportedly filing a request to have himself released from his duties, a point under consideration by local authorities who have determined that Baca has already taken an extended leave from his senses.

International News: Midnight in the British Empire

Any thoughts that the sun had not completely set on the British Empire came to an abrupt halt with the unveiling of the proposed 2012 London Olympic logo. At a cost of $800,000, the design is a marketing coup for Wolff-Olins, the company responsible for the work.

"It took approximately 4 minutes for us to design this," quipped Niles Phlegm, a marketing coordinator at the firm. And whilst (a British word) people all over the world are outraged, we feel it accurately conveys the spirit of a demoralized, outdated, and clearly illusory British Empire which has not seen a moment's rest since Prime Minister Tony Blair sided with President Bush on the Iraq war. "The idea came to us when one of our senior designers took a normal "2012" numerical design and placed it into a chamber where it was detonated with an Improvised Explosive Device (I.E.D) The result was absolutely stunning. The word "London" and the Olympic symbol were part of a heated debate but reluctantly, we kept for the sake of the "naysayers."

"We are unable to understand the outpouring of contempt for this logo, given that we have turned down several other proposals which were even more vehemently rejected in pubic testing," continued Phlegm.


Wolff-Olins will be delighted to hear from you, should you have alternate design possibilities from those above.

Your contributions should be mailed directly to: www.wolff-olins.com/contactus.htm
London
10 Regents Wharf
All Saints Street
London, N1 9RL
England

Tel: +44 (0)20 7713 7733
Fax: +44 (0)20 7713 0217
Email: infolondon@wolff-olins.com

International: Hilton Released As Predicted

As reported by The Rag Box, famous for being famous, Paris Hilton was released from prison a short time after her arrival.

Ms. Hilton will be under house arrest for a Biblical 40 days and 40 nights and will be forced to wear a diamond encrusted ankle bracelet so that authorities can monitor her whereabouts. LAPD spokesperson James Loozer was unable to verify that the ankle bracelet will be able to track the exact location of Hilton at any given time, given that the tracking radius of the bracelet is 3,000 ft in any direction. That would be the approximate size of her guest bathroom (3,800 square feet) or the pet kennel for her chihuahua (4,200 square ft) .

Millions across the country see the early release as a miscarriage of justice. However, failing to recognize that the charges and subsequent sentence came under the jurisdiction of the Los Angeles Police Department, no other outcome would have been possible. Orenthal James Simpson was quoted as saying that he was not surprised by the outcome of the decision for the early release.

Stated the former NFL football great, "It is my hope she will join me in my search for the real killer of my wife and that guy she was with."

The Rag Box has noted that there appears to be a relationship between justice and the amount of money/fame possessed by any individual in Los Angeles as a strong indicator that justice will not only fail to be served on the platter, but will not even be placed on the menu for consumption.
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The Rag Box will no longer follow the exploits of famous for being famous Paris Hilton. She will no doubt be imprisoned again soon and this hamburger of a story line will have lost its flavor. We shall save the cheese and onions for others.

International: Ahmadinejad- Israel Will Be Destroyed

Always feisty and never at a loss for words, Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared that Israel will be "destroyed soon" according to the sources who care for the lawn outside The Rag Box offices.

Israeli officials are cautious in stating that the new term is an improvement over being "wiped off the face of the earth" and "being driven into the sea".

When asked if they (the Israeli government) feared nuclear destruction, Abel Feinstein of the Israeli Nuclear Advisory Panel stated that the president of Iran must remember that fallout tends to blow sideways and given prevailing winds, any nuclear attack would pretty much wipe out the entire region, including the Arab nations as well.

"We are confident that he does not understand the gravity of his comments. We are aware that he frequently espouses such remarks while sitting on his palatial "throne" in an attempt to "pass figs".

Ahmadinejad has blamed Israel in the past for tainting the Arab delicacy which now affects his digestive system. Originally, it was thought that the terms "drive them" and "wipe" referred to the aforementioned figs and subsequent action taken once done but Alfonzo Gonzales of the local "Gonzo Lawn Care" service that cares for The Rag Box lawn area disagrees, stating that the Iranian President is simply attempting to keep his face in the news.

"If he has a problem with the figs, I'll set him up with a few of our tacos. He will embrace the Israeli's like a prodigal son. Trust me.
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The Rog Box wishes to point out that Mr. Gonzales was not paid for his comments nor does the Rag Box endorse the "Gonzo Lawn Care" service. A matter of convenience has forced our news department to acquire the services of Mr. Gonzales as we are unable to locate our senior foreign correspondent who has been in Las Vegas for three weeks and has refused to report anything of substance other than a request for additional funding.