If I Stole It

Un-convicted murderer and would be author Orenthal James Simpson found himself on the other side of the law yet again when the former football great was arrested in Las Vegas after a bungled attempt to acquire sports memorabilia he claims belonged to him.

Simpson is planning a new book "If I Stole It" to detail the plans he drew up in the botched break in.

"I'm not saying I stole anything, but if I did, this is how I would have done it. I would have completely screwed it up and placed myself on the front burner of every tabloid on the planet. I would have been arrested, and possibly convicted if I did, in fact, commit the alleged crime," stated the affable person of interest.

The family of formerly alive Ron Goldman have already planned to confiscate any rights to the book as soon as it is written, if Simpson decides to do so.

An alternate title for the book had been in the works "If I steal It, They Will Come." and, although the latter part of this choice appears to have worked out, the first few chapters would have to be re-written, as Simpson was unable to acquire any of the memorabilia he stated as belonging to him. Hence, a re-write of the new title of the alleged book-in-progress, "If I Act Like An Idiot, They Will Come."

Anorexics Nervosa About British Report

The International Association for Anorexia Nervosa (IAAN) nervously reacted to a British report that suggested medical screening for runway models. So-called Ultra Thin models have been banned from appearing in fashion shows in other countries, an alarming trend according to the IAAN.

Helen Flipboard, President of the IAAN stated that"...if this trend does not stop, we are threatening a hunger strike. Let them stick that into their twinkies!"

Such a strike could cripple the industry, in which some experts have suggested that up to 40% of all runway models suffer either from some form of an eating disorder or idiocy.

To underscore the severity of the situation, actress Nicole Richie was recently sentenced to 4 days in prison for a DUI violation. The sentence was to have been carried out to term. However, the slim actress merely walked between the bars of her cell and through a thin crack in the LA Detention Center's outer door, leading to a limousine in which she managed to squeeze herself between the front and rear windows.

"Obviously, this sets a dangerous precedent not only for models and actresses, but would be criminals who would be able to use it as an advantage during crime sprees," offered Jim Pressfin, a prison official for the Detention Center who spoke on condition of anonymity.

New England Patriots Reveal New Team Logo

As anticipated, The New England Patriots NFL franchise moved quickly to alter its team logo after the announcement today by NfL Commissioner Roger Goodell that NE coach, Bill Belichick would be fined $500,00.00 and that the team would lose draft picks according to their fortunes for the remainder of the year.

"Hey, we're not one of the winningest franchises in pro football for nothing," a spokesperson for the team was quoted as saying. "If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying," continued the unidentified source who cares for the team's towels and other effects during the game.




The new logo, which features a shady looking character wearing a football helmet styled mask had been in the works for months, pending in what was deemed an inevitable investigation.

"We've been cheating like there's no tomorrow for years," the source went on to say. "Everything from defensive and offensive signals, game films, charts, payoffs to players to miss coverages, receivers who have been paid to drop passes. The list is endless. Without this kind of an edge, Belichick doesn't have the football acumen necessary to beat a team from the Sisters of Perpetual Motion Catholic Church down the street from us."

It is unknown what the fortunes of the team will be now that they have been "outed" so to speak. But sources close to the Rag Box expect the team will continue its "Commitment to Espionage" style and pass on the draft choices as a mere inconvenience. "Hell, offered Belichick, I spend a half-mil on new video camera equipment my scouts use every year. Big "Effin" deal," he was quoted as saying by a reporter who was inebriated at the time he took the notes.

Lack of Court TV Viewership Blamed on Phil Spector Trial

The steady decline of viewership on Court TV has been blamed on the ongoing (and seemingly endless) trial of passe record producer Phil Spector, who years ago fell off the Entertainment radar screen.

The jury, in its 4th day of deliberations (as of this article) have been repeatedly asked to remain awake as they attempt to come to terms with the amount of time taken from their lives as a result of this fiasco in jurisprudence.

"Sure, someone died here, and we must not forget that. (Spector, 67, is charged with second-degree murder in the shooting of actress Lana Clarkson, at his mansion on Feb. 3, 2003.) But the the fact is, she is the lucky one, because she is dead," quipped a member of the jury before leaving the courtroom.

One of the jury members, who is an ABC Dateline producer, was told by LA Superior Court Judge Larry Fidler that he was not to watch an upcoming Dateline feature on the trial during deliberations. "Juror No. 2, you are now on lifetime jury duty," remarked the judge.

"I thought I already was," replied the juror.

Jurors have been placed on a 24 hour suicide watch to prevent an acquittal.

Court TV frequently finds itself in the awkward position of filling in gaps when juries are in deliberations, in this case resulting in endless video footage of Spector's past life as a producer. Should deliberations go into a second week, Court TV producers have quietly stated that they will end their own lives in a hail of gunfire. More quietly still, they fear that should this occur, no one will care.

MTV Awards Show Surpasses 9/11

In what can only be described as one of the great disasters in modern television history, a national audience watched in horror as MTV made yet another effort to maintain its presence in the American consciousness.






The highlight of the evening gave viewers an opportunity to guess how long it would be before the idiots who scheduled Britney Spears' performance would be sacked. Sources close to the Rag Box have suspected for some time that the ability of MTV to remain hip in today's ever-changing culture has waned if not disappeared completely. That Ms. Spears was allowed to perform as part of the evening's entertainment is a case in point.


It is believed that those in charge of programming for the awards presentation show will transfer to FOX television where their skills will be only slightly modified to fit the character of that particular network.

As for Ms Spears, she was unavailable for comment in the same way that she was unavailable to perform. Rag Box Entertainment Bureau Chief, Edward R. Burrow, was dispatched to MTV headquarters but was turned away by security guards who explained that CEO and chairperson of MTV, Judy McGrath, had soiled her clothing and would be unavailable for an interview. Former CEO, Tom Freston refrained from commenting on the current situation, but according to Burrow, he appeared giddy.

The only person more pleased than Freston appeared to be former president and chief operating officer Mark Rosenthal, who recently resigned due to a sudden influx of intelligence.