Former Stripper Considered Excellent Candidate as "Special Education " Aide

Highlands School District officials of Natrona, Pennsylvania, fired Special Education aide Abbiejane Swogger when she failed to report to work on either Thursday or Friday last week., according to Superintendent Karol Galcik. The minimum wage job did not require a drug test or, apparently, any background check of ANY kind as a condition of her employment.

"Sure, we knew she was a former exotic dancer, had used drugs, given crazed parties, and was deemed a general social pariah, but who are we to judge. We are the School Board, for Christ sake," expounded Galcik, under conditions of anonymity.

Beer, drugs, used condoms, all were found in a hotel room, as police entered the "den of iniquity" as one fundamentalist police officer pointed out in which Swogger had held he special after school session. They also noted the unmistakable smell of marijuana. In addition, several papers of what appeared to be answer sheets to upcoming tests were seen. "That one really sickens you, when you see the kids aren't getting the educating they deserve, "quipped Detective Dick Flopsburg, of the Kensington, PA Police Department.


"Yea, said Swogger, but they got more education in one night with me than they would have gotten in 20 years in real life so kiss my *ss, responded Swogger, whose posterior had apparently been the scene of several exploits during the night in question.

Charges are pending as soon as officials are able to root out and remove any connection between Swogger and local political officials.

John McCain Cross Dressing Background Revealed

While McCain staffers handled the recent uproar over a supposed liaison with a former lobbyist/worker under the employ of the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency, The Rag Box has found evidence that Sen. John McCain has had a life long interest in cross dressing. And while not as potentially harmful as the New York Times, Vicki Iseman, 40'ish story, it nevertheless paints a picture of a man with increasing appetites for the unusual.

The Rag Box debated for approximately 2 minutes before deciding to run the story. "It was a gut-wrenching experience for us all," stated fashion editor for the Rag Box, Nancy Goombleck. "It's not the cross dressing aspect of the story itself that concerned us so much as McCain's insistence on wearing white pearls with the wig. The two are obviously a fashion 'faux pas'."

McCain defended the use of the pearls, stating that as a freedom loving American, he has every right to an eclectic wardrobe. Had he known of the Rag Box article he would have declared the story baseless.

The source for this story remains anonymous pending the informant's (his) identity via dental records.

Don Shula Prediction Proves Accurate

" I knew the cheating bastards would finally get what was coming to them."

Former Miami Dolphin Coach Don Shula was misquoted last night by a reporter with a failed microphone as saying that the New England Patriots had cheated their way into Super Bowl XLII and deserved to lose due to the infamous N.Y. Jets incident earlier this year in which game plan information had been purportedly recorded by New England to gain an unfair advantage between the Patriots and Jets.

What Shula had actually said was that he had congratulated New England on a fine season and would be more than happy to sign their upcoming book "18-1...See Kids, This Is What Happens To Cheating Bastards."

Also, the Rag Box has learned that New England coach Bill Belichick will study the Super Bowl game film until he finds a flaw in the officiating, which he then plans to bitch about for the remainder of the off season.