Joe Paterno to Coach From Grave: Also, Farve Pissing People Off by only "Considering" Retirement

Penn State coach Joe Paterno will be coaching the 2009 season from a coffin which has been electronically wired to provide the octogenarian with the same information that was given to him during the 2008 Rose Bowl loss to USC. Penn State Alumni will decide when it's time to drop the lid, which according to some estimates, should have been sometime in the early 80's.

Also, Rag Box sources have gathered information from NFL league sources that Brett Farve is becoming a major pain in the ass by not being definitive about his retirement. Anyone with even a modicum of knowledge about the game (except Farve) knows that the aging quarterback cannot throw a pass beyond 30 yards, enabling defenses to play the short game and thus negating any possibility of success next year.

"He is old and useless. He has ruined his legacy with his former team (Packers) and basically pissed away his last year (possibly) with the N.Y. Jets on a make believe trip to the playoffs," according to Donald Smeld, spokesperson for the Jets who was quoted under conditions of anonymity. "He is like a Douglas McArthur (WW2) general epitaph. He won't die. He just wants to fade away. What an asshole."