Government to Apologize to Americans: Abandons Socialism

Under increasing pressure from citizens, the U.S. government has decided to abandon all social programs under what it sees as a growing need to revitalize Capitalism.

"We plan to abandon Social Security by early next year as a first step towards a return to true Capitalism," according to Paul Lambowitz, and administration official who laid out the government's plan for Rag Box officials, under conditions of anonymity.

Lambowitz continued his explanation of the government's desire to wipe out social Security by admitting that the cost of living increases which have been automatic for the program since 1975 had already been scheduled to be wiped out for the next three years. "Given the state of the economy, we felt it prudent to erase the entire plan from our budget. The trickle down effect will be enormously helpful," he continued.

According to Lambowitz, Americans without Social Security will no longer be able to afford any medical care. Stating that "the cat is out of the bag," plans are underway to eliminate Medicare and Medicaid as well.

Ralph Frimbal, head of budgetary planning for Medicare and Medicaid, agreed that ending Social Security benefits would allow the abolition of Medicare and its associated trillions of dollars in costs. Without the current system, the nations elderly and poor would no longer be able to pay for skyrocketing medical costs and would, simply put, die more quickly.

The Rag Box has learned that plans are under way to eliminate Veterans and Americans with Disabilities programs as well as the ill fated Food Stamps program. These programs, as well as benefits to the nation's retired citizens would be funded through private enterprise, the hallmark of Capitalism, according to unidentified government sources. A list of possibilities include:

• Harvesting the organs of citizens in their 50's and beyond to assist those in real need
• Sending elderly Veterans to war first, thus saving billions of dollars in training troops who might be needed as a second line of defense
• Assisting drug companies in obtaining much needed revenue in a "Stem Cells for Pills" exchange program in which the nation's elderly will trade stem cells for the medications needed to keep them alive. As so called win-win situation, according to Pfizer, one of the struggling U.S. drug makers

Americans have been assailing the Health Care reforms President Obama has been attempting to initiate by calling them Socialist and even "Communist" by certain citizens from Mississippi. In Town Hall meetings across the country, government officials have been sent into the field to explain how the new system will work. Initially bolstered by the joy of not having to pay Social Security taxes, Americans are a little less pleased with the possibility that they will have absolutely no income in their retirement years since few citizens saved any money over the years to compensate for the social programs they will lose. Not everyone is worried however.

Stated Louise Glump, 83, a retired garment worker from, Poughkeepsie, N.Y., "Hell, I'll toss in a few stem cells for an aspirin. And besides, I have a job lined up as a government prostitute when I'm eligible in 2 years, provided I'm still alive."

Frimbal postulated that the odds of Glump being alive by then would be minimal so Americans need not worry that she will become a burden to the system. "She'll be turning tricks in her grave," he mused, citing that the Funeral industry is beside itself with glee over the prospect of millions of Americans dying sooner than ever.

"But that's Capitalism for you," Frimbal concluded. "Whenever a door closes (retirement benefits to the elderly and disabled,) a window opens." (death)