Health Care Town Hall Meeting Results in Deaths

Inflamed passions rose to new heights as debate over the Nation's Health Care Reform discussions erupted into gunfire in a Town Hall meeting at Our sisters of Perpetual Motion Catholic Elementary School in Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Proponents and antagonists for Health Care initially exchanged glances, then resorted to shouting and eventually erupted into all out violence with a hail of assault weapons rounds being sprayed around the auditorium.

The number of dead and wounded could not be immediately accounted for but Rag Box sources have learned that the number of deceased might have been substantially reduced if the city had not voted down improvements in triage services for Latrobe. Ironically, the question of triage had just come up for discussion when a lone gunman opened fire on the unsuspecting, but not overly informed, crowd.

Early estimates placed the death toll at 28, with another 14 critically injured.

Ralph Drainwald, spokesman for Jesus Christ Have Mercy On Us hospital in Latrobe, explained that the death toll might have been substantially lower if more of the wounded had had sufficient health insurance coverage.

"Many of the severely wounded were not treated because their policies do not cover Town Hall meetings, which are inherently dangerous and are thus covered under a clause that forbids those policy holders from participating in dangerous activities," stated Drainwald. "That eliminated half a dozen right there."

Another 8 died at the hospital because malpractice insurance does not cover doctors who treat persons who willingly engage in reckless activities. In addition, of the 14 critically injured at the scene, none were transported to the hospital due to cutbacks in ambulance services that citizens of Latrobe voted down as an unnecessary expense . The city of Latrobe currently has one ambulance, a converted 1962 hearse that the people of Latrobe felt could serve a dual purpose in case someone failed to make it the operating theater. In fact, the elementary school was turned into a makeshift morgue which was able to provide a brief resting place for the critically injured until they died from their wounds.

Drug Manufacturer Pfizer sent volunteers to the scene to hand out free packets of aspirin to the most seriously injured. Pfizer spokesperson Helen Spotmeister wanted to let the city know that it was acting out of concern and wished to let the Pennsylvanians know that they too "had a friend" in the industry. However Bill Schmoldman, chief Town Hall correspondent for The Rag Box learned that the volunteers who were on the scene from Pfizer were seen removing gold from the fillings of many of the dead at the scene. Spotmeister admitted that this was the case but stated that in order to keep the cost of medications down, the company had to be compensated in some way.

The gunman at the scene was overpowered by several senior citizens and was identified as Ralph Godsend, an Amish craftsman and known assault weapons activist, who it appears thought he was attending a Town Hall meeting seeking to ban bullets for assault weapons. He was heard by some to yell out "Here. I'll give thee my bullets. Receive them with my blessings!" It is believed that the Amish, who have been known for their non-violence, have recently turned "the other cheek" after acquiring satellite dishes for their homes. Unfortunately, their refusal to pay for services has provided them with only a single television station, a Fox News outlet out of Pittsburgh.

Of the few who survived injury, many are continuing to hold fast to their desire to see no changes in the current Health Care system because, as Schmoldman was told by Andy Glump, Anti Health Care Reform activist, "Glenn Beck of Fox News told us that the president was a racist who wanted us to to receive some sort of medical benefits. Hey Obama, this is what you can do with your Health Care reforms," as he raised a missing, shot off, middle finger to the camera.