Former Stripper Considered Excellent Candidate as "Special Education " Aide

Highlands School District officials of Natrona, Pennsylvania, fired Special Education aide Abbiejane Swogger when she failed to report to work on either Thursday or Friday last week., according to Superintendent Karol Galcik. The minimum wage job did not require a drug test or, apparently, any background check of ANY kind as a condition of her employment.

"Sure, we knew she was a former exotic dancer, had used drugs, given crazed parties, and was deemed a general social pariah, but who are we to judge. We are the School Board, for Christ sake," expounded Galcik, under conditions of anonymity.

Beer, drugs, used condoms, all were found in a hotel room, as police entered the "den of iniquity" as one fundamentalist police officer pointed out in which Swogger had held he special after school session. They also noted the unmistakable smell of marijuana. In addition, several papers of what appeared to be answer sheets to upcoming tests were seen. "That one really sickens you, when you see the kids aren't getting the educating they deserve, "quipped Detective Dick Flopsburg, of the Kensington, PA Police Department.


"Yea, said Swogger, but they got more education in one night with me than they would have gotten in 20 years in real life so kiss my *ss, responded Swogger, whose posterior had apparently been the scene of several exploits during the night in question.

Charges are pending as soon as officials are able to root out and remove any connection between Swogger and local political officials.

John McCain Cross Dressing Background Revealed

While McCain staffers handled the recent uproar over a supposed liaison with a former lobbyist/worker under the employ of the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency, The Rag Box has found evidence that Sen. John McCain has had a life long interest in cross dressing. And while not as potentially harmful as the New York Times, Vicki Iseman, 40'ish story, it nevertheless paints a picture of a man with increasing appetites for the unusual.

The Rag Box debated for approximately 2 minutes before deciding to run the story. "It was a gut-wrenching experience for us all," stated fashion editor for the Rag Box, Nancy Goombleck. "It's not the cross dressing aspect of the story itself that concerned us so much as McCain's insistence on wearing white pearls with the wig. The two are obviously a fashion 'faux pas'."

McCain defended the use of the pearls, stating that as a freedom loving American, he has every right to an eclectic wardrobe. Had he known of the Rag Box article he would have declared the story baseless.

The source for this story remains anonymous pending the informant's (his) identity via dental records.

Don Shula Prediction Proves Accurate

" I knew the cheating bastards would finally get what was coming to them."

Former Miami Dolphin Coach Don Shula was misquoted last night by a reporter with a failed microphone as saying that the New England Patriots had cheated their way into Super Bowl XLII and deserved to lose due to the infamous N.Y. Jets incident earlier this year in which game plan information had been purportedly recorded by New England to gain an unfair advantage between the Patriots and Jets.

What Shula had actually said was that he had congratulated New England on a fine season and would be more than happy to sign their upcoming book "18-1...See Kids, This Is What Happens To Cheating Bastards."

Also, the Rag Box has learned that New England coach Bill Belichick will study the Super Bowl game film until he finds a flaw in the officiating, which he then plans to bitch about for the remainder of the off season.

N.Y. Giants Head To Cabo San Lucas

Coach Tom Coughlin of the N..Y Football's Giants has given the team the week off in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico prior to this Sunday's Super Bowl.

"There may be some who would suggest that this is a bad idea, considering what happened to Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys, but it is our belief that this was an isolated incident and that our team should not be denied an opportunity to relax prior to the most important sports event in their lives.," Coughlin was quoted a saying, according to a hotel attendant at the Los Milagros Hotel, where the team plans to stay.

"We feel adequately prepared for the upcoming engagement," commented Giants Defensive Coordinator Steve Spagnuolo, some of which might come as a surprise to most football aficionados.

"Usually, an offense will basically take what you give them. However, what we plan to do is give them what they want, thus throwing their entire strategy off balance. God knows everyone else in the NFL has executed routine game management plans and they have yet to be beaten. We hope this will set the tone for defensive strategies for years to come," he continued.

"If that doesn't work, we still get an extra day for every week we spend at Cabo, with two for one drinks at the Baja Cantina. Should it come to that, we'll have plenty of off season time to enjoy ourselves. There's more to life than football. Maalox comes to mind," offered Spagnuolo.

Heath Ledger Death Stimulates Lack of Interest

The Rag Box has learned that the death of Heath Ledger has failed to arouse the interest of the Arab World, much less the remainder of the planet outside the United States and possibly Australia, which, for whatever reason, seems ever interested in the lives of people who appear briefly on film and then become the subjects of TV biographies years later when most everyone will be saying, "who the hell was Heath Ledger?" The question will be found in an upcoming episode of Jeopardy under the category "Deaths of Young Hollywood Stars We Don't Give a Flying Rats Ass About"

The Rag Box has also learned from sources close to the scene that Ledger had a number of pills in his apartment which may have been the reason for his early demise, a conclusion reached by a first year Forensics student at California's Institute for the Painfully Obvious.

A spokesperson for Ledger, Keith Bottomline, was quoted as saying that it was his wish, as well as that of his friends, that the actor will be replaced by someone with equal promise who will also throw his life into the shit can and perhaps become the $2000.00 question at the bottom of the Double Jeopardy list of the same category.

Pre-emptive US Strike Near Center of Table

While the Russians claim that a pre-emptive Nuclear strike is not "off the table for them" the U.S. has countered that it would be well for the Russians to consider the fact that a U.S pre-emptive strike is not only off the table, it's at the center of the table, and if the Russians get a little itchy in the trigger finger, they had better wipe the fingers clean before they wind up glowing in the Siberian winter like a never ending radio active camp fire.

The Russians, under the leadership of Putin, have recently become somewhat harebrained and seem to have forgotten that nuclear war tends to end all known life forms outside of cockroaches on the planet, and the idea of somehow starting such a war in the hope of fending off an attack would be mutually annihilating. But Putin, who had never won awards for brilliance in international affairs doesn't seem to be interested in what can only be seen as reality.

The Rag Box suggests that the Russians keep their former Soviet mouths shut and figure out how to turn their country into something other than the Cubans want to visit.

Edwards in Iowa

With the Iowa primaries just on the horizon, former Senator, John Edwards, Dem. North Carolina, attempts to attract the "swing" votes in the state by drawing attention to the only real industry remaining in Iowa since the shut down of the last Maytag plant. Prostitution.

Driving up to a potential voter known only as Trixie, Edwards promised tax relief for working women and medical care for those whose hips have been damaged due to excessive work loads placed on them by long hours and uncaring management officials.

"My campaign remains as it has always been; a focus on the little man (woman) who have lost their jobs and benefits to global economies offering the same products at a fraction of the cost," opined Edwards.

If I am elected president, I am going to make it a hallmark of my presidency that women in the workforce will receive the benefits which are rightfully theirs, including due process and swift action in the courts. "I want to get these women out of the courts and back on to the streets where they belong," he insisted, adding that "Trixie would be named to a new cabinet post if elected "The Department of Homeland Comfort Suite". "She's ready, she's willing, and able, once her hip snaps back into place, stated Edwards, who hopes to get to know the particular voter in question at an undisclosed location as soon as possible. "We just need to undertake a probe of her background and see if their are any holes in her resume." So far, she is looking mighty good," added Edwards, who has been unable to wipe the smile from his face since the brief encounter at a nearby truck stop.

Making the Craig's List Not Quite so Glamorous

The list of Idaho Senator Larry Craig's "companions" appears to be growing exponentially. Eight men have allegedly stepped forward to incriminate Senator Craig with reference to the performance of sexual acts at various times. This, in addition to Craig having been caught in a sex sting operation in a public restroom where his shoe allegedly made contact with the shoe of a person in the next stall. Allegedly, Craig's hand was also involved in some way in that incident.

Senator Craig has denied all of the allegations, stating that his shoes tend to wander during his brief stays in restrooms and that the emergence of individuals who now claim to have had sex with the Senator has come about because of the holiday season.

When asked to clarify the remark, Craig stated that it is no secret that this is the season to be jolly. People are in a festive mood. Who knows where one's shoes will wind up?