Palin to Stay in Politics: Republicans Terrified.

Sarah Palin

Miss Wasilla

The prospect that the brief and former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, intends to stay in politics is sending shock waves through Republican ranks according to Rag Box sources. It had been hoped by Republican power brokers that the Ethics Hearings against Palin would suffice to keep her out of the limelight for years.

However, despite her penchant for shooting wolves from helicopters and the sexual exploits of one of her daughters (not the one mentioned by David Letterman) have failed to quell rumors that Palin will continue to be a pain in the ass to the party all the way up to the 2012 elections, where she is expected to fractionalize the party to such an extent that no viable candidate from the Right will garner enough support to provide a suitable challenge to the Democrats in the foreseeable future.

"I plan to write a book, try to get a TV show, and make the rounds in the lower 48 to see if anyone considers me more than a nice looking chick who talks just a little funny," quipped Palin, when stopped by Rag Box political correspondent Steve Smithers.

Palin, speaking to Smithers offered that the book she is writing will put J.K. Rowling to shame.

"I'm writing something real close to the Harry Potter books, but mine will be about a girl in a helicopter with a 50 cal (50 calibre machine gun) rescuing her grandmother from a pack of wolves. I'm almost finished with the foreword," she continued.

Palin plans to go on a national speaking tour after she repays her ethics defense fund, the illegal use of Alaskan taxpayer money for her previous trips with her children and "tidying up" as she exclaims, that little problem with that trooper.

"I also got (have) a few pictures that'll probably circulate on the Internet that I need to douse before I can be considered a serious contender in the political arena. Until then, the Playboy offer still stands," she concluded.

G-8 Summit Tosses $20.00 at World's Hungry

According to the latest estimates from the UN’s Food and Agriculture Organization, over 1 billion people in the world are now chronically undernourished. The G-8 Summit's recent pledge to offer 20 Billion dollars to the world's hungry equates to approximately $20 dollars for each of those facing a daily crisis of malnourishment.

Sib Ahmalin, a tribesman in Ghana where President Obama has made a stop during his sojourn to the Summit, said that he is personally grateful for the $20 dollars and plans to use it to purchase two Big Mac's and a chocolate shake as well as the larger fries, should his impoverished village ever get a McDonald's franchise.

"If we do not receive the franchise, my family and I plan to eat the money directly as it contains a needed source of cellulose," stated the suprisingly astute Ghanaian farmer.

When Asked by Rag Box Food and Health Correspondent Jill Klimhausen how much in the way of nutrients one could expect from a $20 dollar bill, she stated that it would provide sufficient pulp for one decent bowel movement. "This is providing that Mr. Ahmalin and his family still have functioning bowels," she added.

The next G-8 Summit whose dates have yet to be set has already promised to increase the amount of aid to the worlds hungry to include spoons, knives, and forks, should they become necessary in the event real aid is on the way.

"It won't be top shelf silverware, mind you. Pretty much the plastic white ones," stated Rolf Ginsborg, Swedish member of the permanent G-8 partnership to feed the world's poor. "But it's a good start. All we need now is $500,000,000 paper plates."

Lebron James Videotape Siezed

In what has turned into a media nightmare for Nike, the sports paraphernalia whore, a videotape showing Lebron James being "dunked on" by Xavier's Jordan Crawford was seized in a North Korean version of "free press."

Apparently, rules are in place that explicitly state if Lebron James is embarrassed in a pick up game, any taping of such an event must be confiscated immediately and destroyed so as to leave no trace of any potential humiliation.

"The stakes are too great," stated Bill Menninger, a purported Nike spokesperson. "We pay him a lot of money not to look like an idiot. Let's face it, you can't have some college hoops guy do a two handed slammer over his dome for the world to see."

When asked by Rag Box sports correspondent Ted Driftbox if Lebron walking out of the stadium after losing the finals to the Orlando Magic would qualify as an embarrassing moment, Menninger stated that such displays of childishness are allowed under the current contract.

"He's still a young guy," quipped Menninger. "Look, he hasn't done drugs, been caught with a babe on each arm, or otherwise disgraced the league (NBA) or Nike, so cut him some slack."

When it was pointed out that videotaping had occurred during the entire pick up game and that the reported slam dunk could have been handled by James in a humorous manner, Menninger confiscated Driftbox's notes and tore them to pieces.

This account of events are thus considered hearsay as Driftbox recounted this story from his memory. "He just "DID IT!, quipped Driftbox. "By the way, Menninger is an asshole, and so is Nike. Only bigger. With a tattoo on it"

The comments of Mr. Driftbox are his own and are not endorsed by The Rag Box, although the statements are pretty cool nonetheless.

Michael Jackson Tributes To Continue Until 2020

The same media that spent years vilifying the entertainer as a pedophile and walking freak show has decided, in a surprising turn of events, to deify the musical pop icon. A few of the planned expositions and tributes are listed below.

• Plans are underway for a 400 foot statue of a sequined glove in downtown New York near the Guggenheim Museum
• The Rhinoplasty Center in Sewell N.J. is planning an entourage of 400 doctors and nurses to form a phalanx shaped in the likeness of Jackson's nose and march themselves in unison down Old Mill road and terminate at Washington Lake Park, where the doctors will then disperse in the shape of a giant nosebleed.
• Children in Newton, Mississippi will assemble at city hall where they will run as quickly as possible in all directions when the mayor announces that Michael Jackson is in fact alive, and headed toward the city. "We already have a Jackson hunt planned for next year," stated mayor Dan Johnson. "We have an egg with the face of Michael Jackson on it. We are going to hide it in our park and the child who finds it will be asked to turn it into the police and receive a reward."
• All ELCA Lutheran Churches across the nation who bear the name "St. Michael" will instead name them "St. Jackson" in honor of the King of Pop's generous donations over the years.

Other venues such as the Mars Candy Corporation are making plans to name a new snack after Jackson called the Jack-O Bar, tentatively made up of a core of dark chocolate and peanuts smothered in a white chocolate coating.

Television and other media outlets have already agreed to a series of "specials" and "in depth" memorials designed to take his memory into 2020. When asked by The Rag Box as to why the media would now, in essence, deify an individual they spent nearly 30 years vilifying. most responded by saying, "Hey. Dude is dead. We can afford to be nice to him now."

As a matter of record, The Rag Box wishes to offer its own tribute, already executed by a party of individuals whose video follows. WARNING. CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Ousted Honduran President Chooses Own Country As Grave Marker

Ousted President Manuel Zelaya said Saturday that he would return to Honduras to retake office following last week's military-backed coup, despite warnings of a potentially deadly confrontation with the current government that could turn bloody...for Zelaya.

Approximately 10,000 supporters are prepared to act as funeral pallbearers should Zelaya step from the plane at the Tegucigalpa Toncontin Regional Airport. He will be guided to the airport by the Honduran Civil Aviation Authority which has staunchly backed the current government. It is unclear whether Tegucigalpa air controllers will offer assistance to the exiled president by way of landing instructions or whether they will provide an alternate landing site, possibly into the side of one of the mountains near the city.

The interim government has taken to radio and television airwaves with jingles, part of a campaign to win over those who have yet to choose sides. Roberto (Bobby) Micheletti, the interim president vows that his jingles will turn the tide in his favor and garner additional support from people currently favoring Zelaya.

One jingle making the radio station rounds in Tegucigalpa portrays Zelaya as a male prostitute who is deeply involved in drugs and alcohol.

"It is a catchy little tune," admitted Manuel De Los Angeles, former Vice President of the poor Central American nation. "My children will not stop singing it."

Khamenei and Ahmadinejad U.S. Agents

Opposition leader Mir Mousavi or Iran has accused current fake president of Iran , Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Supreme Grand Dragon of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, of being U.S. agents.

This process, (of blaming the U.S.) is designed to shift the focus of the recently held "elections" to focusing attention on what is perceived to be a national hatred for America. In retaliation, the Iranian government has declared Mousavi a U.S. agent, as well as anyone who voted for him, bringing the total number of U.S. agents in Iran to 3.6 million.

Ali Drihman, Iranian foreign correspondent and U.S. spy operating out of Tehran in Apartment C near the downtown bus terminal spoke on conditions of anonymity that the latest efforts to Americanize Iranians by calling them agents will only hasten the day when Iran becomes a U.S. territory with the same voting privileges as Puerto Rico.

"Look at the demographics." Drihman said, from his favorite cafe, The Ahmedin. "Eventually, the U.S. agents in Iran will outnumber to population to such an extent that they will apply for mass U.S. citizenship, thus enabling unfettered use of the Internet and cell phones. It's only a question of ti.............

Drihman's report was cut unexpectedly short and The Rag Box has been unable to reach him by Cell phone. It is presumed he is at the U.S. Embassy, asking for asylum provided he will have the hands to sign the paperwork.

North Koreans Hose Up Missile Launch

The North Koreans, unaware of the upcoming 4th of July celebrations in the U.S. blew an opportunity to launch a missile at Hawaii in what would have been a "surprise" for Honolulu and outlying areas.

Instead, the North Koreans were seen scrambling to assemble a bottle rocket to launch into the compound of the U.S. Embassy in Pyongyang.

According to an unidentified spokesperson for the North Koreans, the bottle rocket exploded in the hands of a Korean scientist as he was preparing it with nitroglycerin and confetti. He was treated at a nearby hospital and promptly shot by North Korean authorities after the mishap.

The North Koreans are now in the process of deciding where their next failed launch will take place but it is expected to be no sooner than Labor Day at which point no one will give a damn, according to sources in Washington.

"It's not really a holiday per se," stated Paul Dwivel, spokesman for the Department of North Korean launch failures. "But we'll keep an eye on them just in case they decide to try a cherry bomb in downtown Seoul."

Social Network Leads Nomadic Existence

TeeBeeDee, a Social Network for people generally in their 40's and over, leads a nomadic existence. It is the only known Social Network capable of pulling up roots from one site and moving to another on two weeks notice.

"Sure we've lost hundreds of members," stated Scott Free, a TBD member. "But we'll gain new members.

When asked about the loss of the old members, some of whom had been with the old location for a long period of time, Free suggested that if they were too lazy or dumb to make it over to the new site, then they should be abandoned in the desert like the snakes they are.

"Sure, the new home is a royal mess and bears little resemblance to the old site and people will be confused beyond measure. But like good nomads we will adapt,"

Free went on to say.

"Besides, by the time people settle in and get used to the new format, we will be pulling up stakes to become a subgroup of Facebook, something we tried to accomplish over at the old site but were never quite able to."

Mississippi Teen Birth Rate No. 1

As first reported by the Rag Box in December of 2002, Mississippi now leads the nation in teen pregnancies. The milestone was reached in 2006, the last year statistics were kept by unscrupulous volunteer teen pregnancy counters who followed the youths around for months making certain that the alleged pregnancies were in fact true.

"It's an honor to be from Mississippi and receive the title "The Preggers State." stated McKeishelle Quanza, head of the Teen Pregnancy Consortium.

"We worked hard to receive this distinction. I want to thank the many volunteers who poked holes in prophylactic packages in all of the pharmacies in the state, and substituted the "pill" with Pez tablets," continued Quanza.





In addition to the work of volunteers, the state of Mississippi also assisted by dropping sex education classes and terminating counseling and other resources that would have kept the distinction as the Teen pregnancy Capital in the state of Texas, which previously held the record.





The state legislature has tentatively adopted a new slogan for the state: "We Don't Miss in Mississippi", a reference to the fact that the state's teenagers know where and how to hit their intended target as often as possible.





"And none of them other jive ass states better try to pass us up for the title coz if we have to, we'll take the goods outta ev'ry fertility clinic in the state to keep the record," stated Lawandell Jones, a Mississippi teen who is responsible for the pregnancies of no less than 30 teens over the past year.