Tiger Woods and Nike

Glenn Beck Rumors About Rape and Murder of Girl in 1990 Persist

The Rag Box finds that allegations about the rape and murder of a young girl in 1990 by TV semi-personality Glenn Beck are unsubstantiated, despite the fact a website has been set up in order to clarify the stories surrounding the alleged incident. While the Rag Box attempts to ensure that the content of this E-Zine is completely fictitious and satirical in content, we cannot deny that numerous questions have arisen from the story as it has made its way around the Internet, long a bastion for truth and accuracy.

Some of the information, which we have been unable to verify include:

Oh my GOD! Glenn Beck raped and murdered his girlfriend in 1990 and hasn't denied it?

...Come clean, Glenn, just come clean. It's the right time now. It is the decent thing for you to do, out of respect for the American people, and if you don't respect them, out of respect for yourself. For the sake of the girl's family, or girls' families, think of the families, Glenn, they need just that little bit of closure your confession can give them, just, please, Glenn, think of those poor families and what you have *cries a bit more* have put them through. I can't.

...I think Roger Ailes is protecting that raping murdering bastard.

...I can't believe evidence as to whether or not Glenn Beck raped a girl in 1990 (new window) has not come to light! What are the law enforcement agencies doing? Every year hundreds of innocent girls go missing. How many of them have fallen prey to the murdering and raping hands of Glenn Beck? And how many more will have to suffer before we get to the bottom of this? /Never forget: Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

...Damage control would have been easier if he had said something before it ended up on Jeopardy!

...Not only does Google say that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, it also says that Glenn Beck blows goats. So he's a raping murderer who's into bestiality. Wow, it just gets better for ol' Glennie.

Additional commentary may be found at the official site where the controversy seems to be gathering momentum. Click HERE.

Afghan Citizens Killed in "Huge Mistake"

The seeming stalemate that is the Afghan War took another miserable turn yesterday when two 500 pound bombs were dropped on a pair fuel tankers absconded by the Taliban. Satellite images showed scores of what appeared to be Taliban fighters surrounding the vehicles as they were attempting to extricate it from an area of mud in which the two tankers had become trapped.

The attack on the trucks and the (alleged) insurgents standing nearby was partially carried out on the advice of a single individual near the scene who insisted that all of the individuals surrounding the fuel tankers at the time were Taliban fighters. Satellite images could not verify with complete accuracy whether those present were fighters or villagers. Satellite photos also could not completely ascertain whether the person who had supplied the information to Western military forces was in fact, drunk, with an alcohol level 4 times over the legal Afghan limit.

"It's good equipment," cited Col. Harold Mendendorf of U.S. forces in the area, "but it's not THAT good." "Jesus Christ! It's war. Civilian casualties are inevitable. What do you want? A sign on every insurgent's back that says 'Hey Dude. I'm Taliban!' Shoot my ass!"

The decision to bomb the trucks, which resulted in nearly 125 or more civilian casualties is being investigated and has been officially classified as a huge mistake.

Nation's Prisoners Set To "Bond" With Jaycee Lee Dugard's Kidnapper

The National Prisoners Consortium (NPC) of the United States unanimously adopted a resolution vowing that they will "bond" with Phillip Garrido, alleged kidnapper of of Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was abducted in 1991 and was recently reunited with her loved ones.

Bob "Axe-Man" Bronston, spokesman for the NPC appeared in a brief press conference where he stated the the "word is out" in prisoner's parlance, indicating an agreement has tentatively been reached that when Garrido arrives in any prison in the United States, the prisoners of that facility will be set to bond with the alleged rapist and child abductor.

"The bonding will be surprisingly brief and to the point," stated Bronston. "We will bond with him for the amount of time it takes us to remove his testicles and otherwise eviscerate the bastard. It is not as good as chemical castration, but in some ways, is more permanent and we believe, more effective."

It is not yet known how the Garrido case will develop and what will happen to the now incarcerated kidnapper and his wife, but it is assumed that once he enters the doors of whatever prison he is sent to, it will not be necessary to provide him with the "three meals and a flop" as he is expected to need no more than a sandwich before his hapless torso is ground into canned dog food.

"Usually vengeance is the Lord's," quipped Bronston. "But the "Old Man" always leaves these guys to us. Our methods are sanctioned from above. It is my understanding that Mr. Garrido has some sort of religious affiliation with his own mind. He will have an opportunity to meet the voices he hears as soon as possible," promised Bronston.

U.S. Economic Recovery Complete: Nigerian Uncle Comes Through

With projections for an economic recovery still highly uncertain for 2009, Americans have discovered that the Emails they have been receiving from the relative of their deceased Nigerian uncle were in fact, legitimate. As a result, the once suspicioned Email scam turns out to have been completely lawful, creating immense wealth for hundreds of thousands of middle class citizens, some who faced mortgage defaults and bankruptcy until Sambala Magumbo, their previously unknown uncle from Nigeria, offered to assist them. Magumbo created immense wealth for himself by introducing the concept of time share in his native country. "Your Cardboard Box Or Mine," became a famed slogan in his native country..

Dawunee Magumbo, spokesperson for the long dead uncle offered that the money had been there all along and he had wondered why Americans were not taking him up on his offer. "We merely needed their Social Security Numbers, bank account information, as well as their credit card numbers," Dawunee stated. He told Rag Box Nigerian correspondent Elston Swedenborg that his uncle became despondent over what he perceived to be a lack of trust on the part of Americans. "He eventually died of a broken heart," said Dawunee.

"We still have several millions of dollars available, but all those who failed to answer my uncle or placed those Emails into their spam folders are no longer eligible, unless of course, they are willing to give us the information we need. But they need to act now, while there is still a window of opportunity. If they will send me $1000.00 in cash, I will personally see to it that we use their bank's routing number to funnel the small deposit back into their account along with thousands of additional dollars over a period of years," Dawunee continued.

"Concerns of privacy prevent us from releasing information about any of the individuals who have already received their money, but I assure you they are out there. It is a simple matter of trust," Dawunee continued.

He then asked Swedenborg if the correspondent had a couple "of bucks" to help get him back to his cardboard shanty on the edge of town (Abuja City). When asked by Swedenborg why Dawunee did not live under slightly more prosperous conditions, given the association he had with his wealthy Nigerian relative, Dawunee stated that it would be unconscionable of him to seek personal gain from helping his now deceased uncle. "Besides, he continued, "they (the authorities) shut down my ISP and I am trying to use a friend's laptop to continue my uncle's quest to help all Americans. I need the routing numbers man. The routing numbers. Tell the Americans. The routing numbers."

Health Care Reform: Pulling Plug on Grandmother

In an effort to ease tensions over Health Care Reform, the nation's doctors and the government joined forces today by creating a Denial of Service clause into a pending bill in Congress that would allow the government, doctors, nursing assistants, hospital admittance clerks, and janitorial staff to deny health care service to hospitalized individuals if, in their estimation, a patient is seen to be progressing towards recovery in a lackluster way.

In other words, a patient would have roughly 48 hours to improve their condition or face a "denial of service" at which point any of the aforementioned individuals would be able to remove IV lines or pull the plug on any number of devices designed to keep the patient alive or in a vegetative state.

"We are no longer in the vegetable garden business," stated Mephisto County General Hospital Administrator, Dr. Carl Rogers. "We are now in the "Divesting Ourselves of the Obsolescent or DOA as we prefer to call it," he continued.

The term DOA, long used to describe individuals who were dead on arrival while being transported to a place of care will now serve a dual purpose.

The concept of DOA has not been without its critics. Frank Gulden, Director of Ground Zero Nursing Home in Latrobe, Pennsylvania had asked for a patent on the term DOA as he and directors of similar homes were planning to use it to refer to "Divesting Ourselves of the Aged," a reference to the exploding numbers of elderly making their way into the crowded, unusual smelling, and understaffed facilities. Dr. Rogers countered that "divesting " themselves (nursing homes) of the elderly by simply removing the cotter pins from their wheelchairs does not constitute a humane way to deal with their plight.

"At least we tell someone at the nurses station what we are about to do," Rogers argued.

Referred to as "Plug Plucking Parties" the names of patients who do not improve within the first 48 hours are placed into a pool. There is a drawing, usually made by a Candy Striper (young health care volunteer.) A doctor, or clerk will look at the name to determine whether the criteria for denial of service is met, at which point someone is selected (usually a person not directly associated with the hospital in a professional capacity) who will be allowed to "pluck the plug" in the hospital's jargon. The group largely consists of women, who refer to themselves as Mother Pluckers. Everyone then gathers for noshes before returning to their various duties.

When asked by Dr. Brian Pfister, Rag Box Medical Correspondent, as to what actually constituted a decision to "pluck the plug," a janitor standing by said that the procedure was really quite simple. We look at the chart like any doctor, and if the arrows aren't going up, the names go in the pool.

According to Pfister, the hospital has erred in only three cases over the last 6 months. One in which the chart was accidentally hung upside down resulting a rather hasty, but incorrect decision to terminate Mr. Oswald Geenberg, 67, who had come to the hospital to have a wart removed from his knee, and two other minor, if deadly incidents. One involved a miscalculation of the 48 hour rule when nurses failed to account for daylight savings time and failed to change their clocks. The other involved Mrs. Irma Feingeld, who met the time, age, and declining health criteria but was deemed to present a risk because she had witnessed a plug plucking incident which she felt was not "to her liking."

According to those present at her demise, one official overheard Mrs. Feingeld's last words as the IV was removed from her arm. "Pluck You!"

Health Care Town Hall Meeting Results in Deaths

Inflamed passions rose to new heights as debate over the Nation's Health Care Reform discussions erupted into gunfire in a Town Hall meeting at Our sisters of Perpetual Motion Catholic Elementary School in Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Proponents and antagonists for Health Care initially exchanged glances, then resorted to shouting and eventually erupted into all out violence with a hail of assault weapons rounds being sprayed around the auditorium.

The number of dead and wounded could not be immediately accounted for but Rag Box sources have learned that the number of deceased might have been substantially reduced if the city had not voted down improvements in triage services for Latrobe. Ironically, the question of triage had just come up for discussion when a lone gunman opened fire on the unsuspecting, but not overly informed, crowd.

Early estimates placed the death toll at 28, with another 14 critically injured.

Ralph Drainwald, spokesman for Jesus Christ Have Mercy On Us hospital in Latrobe, explained that the death toll might have been substantially lower if more of the wounded had had sufficient health insurance coverage.

"Many of the severely wounded were not treated because their policies do not cover Town Hall meetings, which are inherently dangerous and are thus covered under a clause that forbids those policy holders from participating in dangerous activities," stated Drainwald. "That eliminated half a dozen right there."

Another 8 died at the hospital because malpractice insurance does not cover doctors who treat persons who willingly engage in reckless activities. In addition, of the 14 critically injured at the scene, none were transported to the hospital due to cutbacks in ambulance services that citizens of Latrobe voted down as an unnecessary expense . The city of Latrobe currently has one ambulance, a converted 1962 hearse that the people of Latrobe felt could serve a dual purpose in case someone failed to make it the operating theater. In fact, the elementary school was turned into a makeshift morgue which was able to provide a brief resting place for the critically injured until they died from their wounds.

Drug Manufacturer Pfizer sent volunteers to the scene to hand out free packets of aspirin to the most seriously injured. Pfizer spokesperson Helen Spotmeister wanted to let the city know that it was acting out of concern and wished to let the Pennsylvanians know that they too "had a friend" in the industry. However Bill Schmoldman, chief Town Hall correspondent for The Rag Box learned that the volunteers who were on the scene from Pfizer were seen removing gold from the fillings of many of the dead at the scene. Spotmeister admitted that this was the case but stated that in order to keep the cost of medications down, the company had to be compensated in some way.

The gunman at the scene was overpowered by several senior citizens and was identified as Ralph Godsend, an Amish craftsman and known assault weapons activist, who it appears thought he was attending a Town Hall meeting seeking to ban bullets for assault weapons. He was heard by some to yell out "Here. I'll give thee my bullets. Receive them with my blessings!" It is believed that the Amish, who have been known for their non-violence, have recently turned "the other cheek" after acquiring satellite dishes for their homes. Unfortunately, their refusal to pay for services has provided them with only a single television station, a Fox News outlet out of Pittsburgh.

Of the few who survived injury, many are continuing to hold fast to their desire to see no changes in the current Health Care system because, as Schmoldman was told by Andy Glump, Anti Health Care Reform activist, "Glenn Beck of Fox News told us that the president was a racist who wanted us to to receive some sort of medical benefits. Hey Obama, this is what you can do with your Health Care reforms," as he raised a missing, shot off, middle finger to the camera.

Clinton Surrenders Post To Clinton

In a stunning turn of events, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has relinquished her post to former president and periodic husband, Bill Clinton.

Though declining to be specific, the Secretary of State articulated to reporters that her husband's recent success in negotiating the release of two journalists from a North Korean prison had little to do with her decision to hand over the post to her intermittent spouse.

Speaking candidly, Clinton (Hillary) stated that her ability to get anything done in a world where in many parts women are considered just above the level of plankton in importance contributed to her sense of unease about her ability to interact on the world stage. "North Korea, case in point," she snapped.

During a recent interview in the Congo, the Secretary quipped that she was in fact the Secretary of State, not her husband, despite his successes in recent weeks. When pressed on the matter, Clinton threw her hands in the air and said, "What the Hell. He's in. I'm out." She then proceeded to leave but instead of the plane normally available to her, she was forced to take a mule back to the capital, Brazzaville, as her husband waived to her from overhead.

The former president has been seeking to establish himself as a force to be reckoned with, using his wife's position to re-enter the political arena after several years of haphazard womanizing and general misconduct. The latter placed him in good standing with Kim Jung IL of North Korea, himself considered to be a bit of a playboy. The release of the two journalists was considered a fait accompli as soon as Bill enter Pyongyang carrying a pair of sunglasses for the Communist leader and a cigar whose use was not immediately made evident since IL does not smoke.

"But this is the sort of thing Bill (former president) is good at. The ability to use his own miscreant nature to get things done 'under the table' so to speak," remarked White House staff member Gene Wherewithall. "Besides, he's a man."

When asked by Rag Box White House correspondent Rex Triptoast whether the latter remark constituted a male chauvinist attitude, Wherewithall scoffed at the suggestion and offered, "you don't see me getting all nutty with the Congolese just because my menstrual cycle is getting the better of me. If I were the Secretary of State and wanted to get things done, I'd wait until just before my ovulation. And if she doesn't like it (presumably Hillary Clinton) she can take it up with me after her next hot flash."

Bill Clinton is scheduled to meet with the Iranians next week who have offered to abandon their nuclear program and become a true Democracy if "Mr. Bill" will simply show up and wave to the crowds. In addition, the drug cartels working out of Columbia and Mexico have agreed to forgo their illegal activities if Bill Clinton will advise them on how to become part of NAFTA. He is scheduled to provide a workable National Health Care plan he has been working on in his spare time that he guarantees "will leave no one with a dissenting opinion."

U.S Set To Attack Chavez

With the blessing of the Colombian government, the United States took a large step in silencing Hugo Chavez by acquiring the rights to use three Colombian military bases to launch drones specifically targeted to fire missiles up the Venezuelan president's posterior. Chavez, who has a penchant for a specific re-fried bean has made himself an easy mark for the drones whose sensors are equipped to "sniff out" the specific chemical signature given off by the "frijoles refritos " favored by the leftist leader.

General Omar Milton of the North American Drone Defense sector stated that the next time Chavez "takes a dump" (direct quote) or so much as farts in the general direction of the atmosphere, he will be the recipient of a re-fried T-8 drone carrying a variety of warheads, depending on how strong the stall is where Chavez is expected to make his next bowel movement.

"We are fairly confident in the T-8 (drone)," exclaimed the general. "Each warhead has a base blast radius of 40’. and has a Weapons Rating of 28. The weapons systems can be increased to provide a blast radius of 90' if necessary should Chavez decide to enter a stall with a "pay per use" locking system."

Although declining to go into detail, General Milton promised plenty of explosive action the moment Chavez drops his pants.

"I've never seen a human being turned into a Quesadilla before, but I assure you he will become part of the Venezuelan landscape the nanosecond his ass hits the toilet seat."

Chavez has been a thorn in the side to the U.S. for reasons that are still unclear. Aside from the rhetoric apparently aimed at making him appear noteworthy in the region, most South American leaders consider him a nuisance and have been known to refer to him as "El idiota hizo de las alubias" rougly translated by Rag Box Spanish correspondent Aldo Ruiz as "An idiot made of beans."

According to Ruiz, what Chavez has done is basically concoct his own recipe for disaster. Chavez has scoured the world for the hottest peppers and discovered one to his liking, the Bhut Jolokia, originating in Assam, India with a Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) approaching one million, nearly doubling that of the Red Savina.

Military experts will not disclose how the drones will specifically target Chavez' ass, but the SHU index will act as a type of heat seeking guide for the missiles the T-8 is expected to carry.

Exclaimed General Milton, "he'd be better off giving himself a barium enema and getting out of town, but it makes little difference. We are working on a barium drone should the Venezuelan leader decide to try that. He's really got no place to go. One way or another, Chavez will give new meaning to the term "up yours."

Government to Apologize to Americans: Abandons Socialism

Under increasing pressure from citizens, the U.S. government has decided to abandon all social programs under what it sees as a growing need to revitalize Capitalism.

"We plan to abandon Social Security by early next year as a first step towards a return to true Capitalism," according to Paul Lambowitz, and administration official who laid out the government's plan for Rag Box officials, under conditions of anonymity.

Lambowitz continued his explanation of the government's desire to wipe out social Security by admitting that the cost of living increases which have been automatic for the program since 1975 had already been scheduled to be wiped out for the next three years. "Given the state of the economy, we felt it prudent to erase the entire plan from our budget. The trickle down effect will be enormously helpful," he continued.

According to Lambowitz, Americans without Social Security will no longer be able to afford any medical care. Stating that "the cat is out of the bag," plans are underway to eliminate Medicare and Medicaid as well.

Ralph Frimbal, head of budgetary planning for Medicare and Medicaid, agreed that ending Social Security benefits would allow the abolition of Medicare and its associated trillions of dollars in costs. Without the current system, the nations elderly and poor would no longer be able to pay for skyrocketing medical costs and would, simply put, die more quickly.

The Rag Box has learned that plans are under way to eliminate Veterans and Americans with Disabilities programs as well as the ill fated Food Stamps program. These programs, as well as benefits to the nation's retired citizens would be funded through private enterprise, the hallmark of Capitalism, according to unidentified government sources. A list of possibilities include:

• Harvesting the organs of citizens in their 50's and beyond to assist those in real need
• Sending elderly Veterans to war first, thus saving billions of dollars in training troops who might be needed as a second line of defense
• Assisting drug companies in obtaining much needed revenue in a "Stem Cells for Pills" exchange program in which the nation's elderly will trade stem cells for the medications needed to keep them alive. As so called win-win situation, according to Pfizer, one of the struggling U.S. drug makers

Americans have been assailing the Health Care reforms President Obama has been attempting to initiate by calling them Socialist and even "Communist" by certain citizens from Mississippi. In Town Hall meetings across the country, government officials have been sent into the field to explain how the new system will work. Initially bolstered by the joy of not having to pay Social Security taxes, Americans are a little less pleased with the possibility that they will have absolutely no income in their retirement years since few citizens saved any money over the years to compensate for the social programs they will lose. Not everyone is worried however.

Stated Louise Glump, 83, a retired garment worker from, Poughkeepsie, N.Y., "Hell, I'll toss in a few stem cells for an aspirin. And besides, I have a job lined up as a government prostitute when I'm eligible in 2 years, provided I'm still alive."

Frimbal postulated that the odds of Glump being alive by then would be minimal so Americans need not worry that she will become a burden to the system. "She'll be turning tricks in her grave," he mused, citing that the Funeral industry is beside itself with glee over the prospect of millions of Americans dying sooner than ever.

"But that's Capitalism for you," Frimbal concluded. "Whenever a door closes (retirement benefits to the elderly and disabled,) a window opens." (death)