Tuesday
Wednesday
Glenn Beck Rumors About Rape and Murder of Girl in 1990 Persist
...I think Roger Ailes is protecting that raping murdering bastard.
...I can't believe evidence as to whether or not Glenn Beck raped a girl in 1990 (new window) has not come to light! What are the law enforcement agencies doing? Every year hundreds of innocent girls go missing. How many of them have fallen prey to the murdering and raping hands of Glenn Beck? And how many more will have to suffer before we get to the bottom of this? /Never forget: Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.
...Damage control would have been easier if he had said something before it ended up on Jeopardy!
...Not only does Google say that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, it also says that Glenn Beck blows goats. So he's a raping murderer who's into bestiality. Wow, it just gets better for ol' Glennie.
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8:01 AM
Sunday
Afghan Citizens Killed in "Huge Mistake"

The seeming stalemate that is the Afghan War took another miserable turn yesterday when two 500 pound bombs were dropped on a pair fuel tankers absconded by the Taliban. Satellite images showed scores of what appeared to be Taliban fighters surrounding the vehicles as they were attempting to extricate it from an area of mud in which the two tankers had become trapped.
The attack on the trucks and the (alleged) insurgents standing nearby was partially carried out on the advice of a single individual near the scene who insisted that all of the individuals surrounding the fuel tankers at the time were Taliban fighters. Satellite images could not verify with complete accuracy whether those present were fighters or villagers. Satellite photos also could not completely ascertain whether the person who had supplied the information to Western military forces was in fact, drunk, with an alcohol level 4 times over the legal Afghan limit.
"It's good equipment," cited Col. Harold Mendendorf of U.S. forces in the area, "but it's not THAT good." "Jesus Christ! It's war. Civilian casualties are inevitable. What do you want? A sign on every insurgent's back that says 'Hey Dude. I'm Taliban!' Shoot my ass!"
The decision to bomb the trucks, which resulted in nearly 125 or more civilian casualties is being investigated and has been officially classified as a huge mistake.
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6:53 AM
Friday
Nation's Prisoners Set To "Bond" With Jaycee Lee Dugard's Kidnapper
The National Prisoners Consortium (NPC) of the United States unanimously adopted a resolution vowing that they will "bond" with Phillip Garrido, alleged kidnapper of of Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was abducted in 1991 and was recently reunited with her loved ones.
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2:05 PM
Monday
U.S. Economic Recovery Complete: Nigerian Uncle Comes Through
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9:28 PM
Health Care Reform: Pulling Plug on Grandmother
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6:45 PM
Thursday
Health Care Town Hall Meeting Results in Deaths
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8:48 AM
Tuesday
Clinton Surrenders Post To Clinton
In a stunning turn of events, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has relinquished her post to former president and periodic husband, Bill Clinton.
Though declining to be specific, the Secretary of State articulated to reporters that her husband's recent success in negotiating the release of two journalists from a North Korean prison had little to do with her decision to hand over the post to her intermittent spouse.
Speaking candidly, Clinton (Hillary) stated that her ability to get anything done in a world where in many parts women are considered just above the level of plankton in importance contributed to her sense of unease about her ability to interact on the world stage. "North Korea, case in point," she snapped.
During a recent interview in the Congo, the Secretary quipped that she was in fact the Secretary of State, not her husband, despite his successes in recent weeks. When pressed on the matter, Clinton threw her hands in the air and said, "What the Hell. He's in. I'm out." She then proceeded to leave but instead of the plane normally available to her, she was forced to take a mule back to the capital, Brazzaville, as her husband waived to her from overhead.
The former president has been seeking to establish himself as a force to be reckoned with, using his wife's position to re-enter the political arena after several years of haphazard womanizing and general misconduct. The latter placed him in good standing with Kim Jung IL of North Korea, himself considered to be a bit of a playboy. The release of the two journalists was considered a fait accompli as soon as Bill enter Pyongyang carrying a pair of sunglasses for the Communist leader and a cigar whose use was not immediately made evident since IL does not smoke.
"But this is the sort of thing Bill (former president) is good at. The ability to use his own miscreant nature to get things done 'under the table' so to speak," remarked White House staff member Gene Wherewithall. "Besides, he's a man."
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6:31 PM
Monday
U.S Set To Attack Chavez
General Omar Milton of the North American Drone Defense sector stated that the next time Chavez "takes a dump" (direct quote) or so much as farts in the general direction of the atmosphere, he will be the recipient of a re-fried T-8 drone carrying a variety of warheads, depending on how strong the stall is where Chavez is expected to make his next bowel movement.
Although declining to go into detail, General Milton promised plenty of explosive action the moment Chavez drops his pants.
"I've never seen a human being turned into a Quesadilla before, but I assure you he will become part of the Venezuelan landscape the nanosecond his ass hits the toilet seat."
Chavez has been a thorn in the side to the U.S. for reasons that are still unclear. Aside from the rhetoric apparently aimed at making him appear noteworthy in the region, most South American leaders consider him a nuisance and have been known to refer to him as "El idiota hizo de las alubias" rougly translated by Rag Box Spanish correspondent Aldo Ruiz as "An idiot made of beans."
According to Ruiz, what Chavez has done is basically concoct his own recipe for disaster. Chavez has scoured the world for the hottest peppers and discovered one to his liking, the Bhut Jolokia, originating in Assam, India with a Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) approaching one million, nearly doubling that of the Red Savina.
Military experts will not disclose how the drones will specifically target Chavez' ass, but the SHU index will act as a type of heat seeking guide for the missiles the T-8 is expected to carry.
Exclaimed General Milton, "he'd be better off giving himself a barium enema and getting out of town, but it makes little difference. We are working on a barium drone should the Venezuelan leader decide to try that. He's really got no place to go. One way or another, Chavez will give new meaning to the term "up yours."
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5:35 PM
Government to Apologize to Americans: Abandons Socialism

Under increasing pressure from citizens, the U.S. government has decided to abandon all social programs under what it sees as a growing need to revitalize Capitalism.
"We plan to abandon Social Security by early next year as a first step towards a return to true Capitalism," according to Paul Lambowitz, and administration official who laid out the government's plan for Rag Box officials, under conditions of anonymity.
Lambowitz continued his explanation of the government's desire to wipe out social Security by admitting that the cost of living increases which have been automatic for the program since 1975 had already been scheduled to be wiped out for the next three years. "Given the state of the economy, we felt it prudent to erase the entire plan from our budget. The trickle down effect will be enormously helpful," he continued.
According to Lambowitz, Americans without Social Security will no longer be able to afford any medical care. Stating that "the cat is out of the bag," plans are underway to eliminate Medicare and Medicaid as well.
Ralph Frimbal, head of budgetary planning for Medicare and Medicaid, agreed that ending Social Security benefits would allow the abolition of Medicare and its associated trillions of dollars in costs. Without the current system, the nations elderly and poor would no longer be able to pay for skyrocketing medical costs and would, simply put, die more quickly.
The Rag Box has learned that plans are under way to eliminate Veterans and Americans with Disabilities programs as well as the ill fated Food Stamps program. These programs, as well as benefits to the nation's retired citizens would be funded through private enterprise, the hallmark of Capitalism, according to unidentified government sources. A list of possibilities include:
- Harvesting the organs of citizens in their 50's and beyond to assist those in real need
- Sending elderly Veterans to war first, thus saving billions of dollars in training troops who might be needed as a second line of defense
- Assisting drug companies in obtaining much needed revenue in a "Stem Cells for Pills" exchange program in which the nation's elderly will trade stem cells for the medications needed to keep them alive. As so called win-win situation, according to Pfizer, one of the struggling U.S. drug makers
Americans have been assailing the Health Care reforms President Obama has been attempting to initiate by calling them Socialist and even "Communist" by certain citizens from Mississippi. In Town Hall meetings across the country, government officials have been sent into the field to explain how the new system will work. Initially bolstered by the joy of not having to pay Social Security taxes, Americans are a little less pleased with the possibility that they will have absolutely no income in their retirement years since few citizens saved any money over the years to compensate for the social programs they will lose. Not everyone is worried however.
Stated Louise Glump, 83, a retired garment worker from, Poughkeepsie, N.Y., "Hell, I'll toss in a few stem cells for an aspirin. And besides, I have a job lined up as a government prostitute when I'm eligible in 2 years, provided I'm still alive."
Frimbal postulated that the odds of Glump being alive by then would be minimal so Americans need not worry that she will become a burden to the system. "She'll be turning tricks in her grave," he mused, citing that the Funeral industry is beside itself with glee over the prospect of millions of Americans dying sooner than ever.
"But that's Capitalism for you," Frimbal concluded. "Whenever a door closes (retirement benefits to the elderly and disabled,) a window opens." (death)
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8:41 AM









