Owen Wilson Bummed Out

Actor Owen Wilson's escape from death was hastened by "Death" having left his scythe at home after having gone out for a pack of cigarettes.

Death was quoted as saying that he had left every opportunity for the actor to "do himself in" by leaving quantities of heroin, cocaine, and other substances for the actor to utilize. "Hell, I even made it possible for him to hose up relationships with well known actresses for extra effect. I long ago abandoned Media hounding because they don't care anymore," Death continued.

"Frankly, I have no sympathy for people who try to commit suicide and wind up screwing that up as well. He can wait like the others and croak from one of several illnesses I have in the works," offered Death.

Death has been in a funk since the passing of his dear friend Ingmar Bergman, who first placed Death on the public consciousness with "The Seventh Seal".

"Between Wilson, Lohan, Ricci, and the other goofballs, I'm frankly overworked at present. These people are going to have to try and get it done on their own. But you see what happens. Owens is a classic example of another one of these "crying out for help" slobs . I just need a break. I want to be left alone by the Media and spend a few weeks sharpening the blade so to speak. Then , if these idiots want to do themselves in, I can give them a hand."

Keri McIntyre, FormerTeacher, to Cash in on Fame

Stunningly beautiful former Elementary school teacher Keri McIntyre has one of those rare "American Dream" ops to cash in on her YouTube experience.

It was not so much that her buttocks and face appeared on the Internet video site but that her face appeared on ABC news online that has propelled the lovely young woman to the forefront of the American consciousness.

Ingrid Needleman, Rag Box editorial chief for celebrity news advises that Mcintyre immediately move to Hollywood, California.




"Her best shot to cash in is to move to Hollywood and become involved in several high profile DUI convictions involving a trace of cocaine (not sufficient for a felony). Given recent celebrity convictions, she'll do about a day and a half in prison. She should then emerge and immediately begin hanging around socialite circles where she will reserve the sort of status once honed to perfection by Nicole Smith prior to her early demise," offered Needleman.

"Fame is fleeting," advises Needleman. "She needs to act quickly, before her face is wiped off the ABC news online site. She can get more than the 15 minutes allotted to the rest of us (fame) and YouTube's reaction to the appearance of her video on the Internet only helps."

YouTube stated that "We do not comment on the specifics of individual videos. However, the video in question has been removed as it "violated" our terms of use. YouTube is known to monitor video uploads carefully for copyright infringements involving everything from music to the types of videos in question. They are relentless in their efforts to protect the privacy of citizens. The Recording Industry Association of America (or RIAA) has been considering an award for YouTube for its efforts in controlling music piracy and the Online Privacy Alliance has similarly sought to reward YouTube for its unending efforts to protect the rights of individuals not to be seen or heard without consent.

Rag Box Editorial: Michael Vick

Is it just us or are we the only ones who are sick of the NAACP playing the race card. Atlanta head of the NAACP, RL White wants Vick back in the NFL after he serves time for his dog fighting violation.

Where was the support for the Duke Lacrosse players when the NAACP wanted their heads on a platter? No one from the organization came forward to apologize after the truth was discovered.

The NAACP does itself no favor by playing this game. No one questions that American blacks are disproportionately represented in prisons, etc., but if you get a chance to get out of the ghetto for a cool 130 mil, get out already, and stay out. If you can't pick up a clue on that, no one should come to your rescue. And if the NAACP wants to continue along this path, then they will set themselves back to the 60's instead of looking at present reality. Vick is not a question of race. He's a question of crime. Every time someone like Michael Vick hoses up, it's a slap in the face to the NAACP, and they don't seem to understand this. And you don't get a free pass because you served time in the slums. A lot of people do that, and they don't turn into jerks like him.

Shuttle lands Safely. No Crew.

As KSC workers look on, Endeavor lands safely at Cape Canaveral.

NASA directors were enthusiastic about the safe landing of the Space Shuttle Endeavor amid concerns over the gash left in the heat shield during lift off. However, NASA administrators decided not to risk a spacewalk to fix the problem, opting to go ahead and attempt a landing earlier than expected due to Hurricane Dean's presence in the Caribbean.


Unfortunately, the shuttle, which is able to be controlled remotely, landed without the crew who were still aboard the International Space Station running various experiments. They had not been made aware of the early departure date and as a result, all members of the crew missed their seating assignments.

NASA officials were scrambling to determine whom they could blame for the fiasco. They had originally opted for former CIA Director, George Tenet. But earlier today, Tenet had already been held accountable for the 9/11 disaster from a list hastily prepared by the White House. As a result, administrators are now looking at possibly holding former brain to the president, Karl Rove, responsible.

"He would be an excellent choice," Charles Elachi, the Director of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Vice President of the California Institute of Technology was quoted as saying by sources close to the Rag Box. "He's out of arms reach since Bush saw fit to have him "disappear" before questions could be raised. There had been talk of possibly placing the blame on Michael Vick. But that option fell through when Vick pleaded guilty to dog fighting charges. It really only left us with Rove," he continued without prompting and long after most of the news crew had departed.

The Endeavor astronauts will remain at the International Space Station on a "stand by" basis while NASA determines which of the upcoming astronauts for the next shuttle would be willing to give up their seats for a voucher and an overnight stay at a local hotel.

Hurricane Dean Tough on Locals

While Jamaicans will be fending for themselves, American tourists are "headed out of Dodge" on anything that moves.

"They will be leaving to the safety of their homes while we will be drowning like rats in rum," Captain Kwami Morgan was quoted as saying. Morgan is head of Kingston, Jamaica's para sailing venue.

"It's typical, he continued. A little rain and the Americans flip out. Where is their sense of adventure? Think of para sailing in 145mph winds? How cool would that be?"

Apparently not as cool as initially thought. The Jamaicans, who were told that a batch of small "thunderstorms" might be likely in the next few hours have done little to prepare for the oncoming juggernaut, destined to flatten the island over the next 24 hours. Jamaican Prime Minister Portia Simpson Miller called for a halt to campaigning for the Aug. 27 general elections, saying: "Let us band together and unite in the threat of this "breeze," an obvious attempt to downplay the severity of the storm. "Let us keep all of the election signs in place." It will be too much trouble to replace them later if one or two of them should topple.," she continued.

Ms. Miller is currently smashed on coke and rum and plans to ride out the "breeze" in a 20 foot thick concrete bunker below the surface of Jamaica. According to the National Hurricane Center in Miami, Florida, she will be able to emerge from that structure sometime in 2009, when the water will recede sufficiently for her to resume her campaign, which will have ended two years prior to her departure.

Americans Demand Insurgent Attack on American Soil

With August already half completed, Americans once gain demanded that foreign terrorists step up their time table for a promised "Summer Extravaganza" equaling or surpassing 9/11.

What the hell are these people thinking? Who gives a flying rats ass about people being blown up in Iraq? It's a waste of munitions, though Ali Sim Kallah, leader of an insurgent group within the so called "Green Zone" in Baghdad claimed that the occasional deaths of American soldiers should not be discounted.

A recent poll however suggests that those deaths are, in fact, not being accounted for in the minds of Americans in general and that only a massive attack, such as the use of a "dirty bomb" would raise the interest level of the average "man on the street".

"Sure, we can lose 5 or 10 at a time (referring to U.S soldiers) on any given day, but what about massive American civilian casualties within our borders?" exclaimed Ralph Emerson, of Dubuque, Iowa.

It has been suggested that the American public is becoming increasingly disenchanted with Insurgent lies about what they plan to do. The public at large is primarily interested in vaporizing the entire Middle East, Israel included, so as to do away with the entire nuisance of the region, which has plagued mankind since the dawn of the civilized era.

Manufacturers Recall All Baby Items

In an unprecedented move by American manufacturers, virtually everything sold to and on behalf of American infants is being recalled due to dangerous defects in materials or because they represent potential health hazards ranging from mild rashes to death.

Gerber's Foods has announced a total recall of all merchandise sold to all food chains across the nation. This was followed by a swift recall of all child safety restraints and an invesitgation of the milk mothers produce in nursing their infants.

All cribs have been pulled from the marketplace as well as rattles and pretty much everything that has been produced in the last 10 years due to exorbitant toxicity levels equaled only by mustard gas which was popularized in World War 1 as a deterrent to mischevious behavior on the part of Allied troops in that conflict.

A spokesperson for Gerber's Foods commented that children die every day for a variety of reasons and that to blame a single entity for the mishaps that the "little curtain climbers are prone to get into" is no reason for panic. "Christ, there a millions of them. Attrition can't be all bad."